“To All the Things That Hold Me Back”

I had the pleasure of doing the first Passion Talk at my school again this year. A Passion Talk is when we gather the whole school to listen to someone engage our students in a conversation around passion and drive and doing things that make us feel alive. I wanted to do something different than what I did last year. Knowing my students struggle constantly with self-esteem and self-doubt, much like I did in high school, I decided to write this poem to both lift my students up, and give them some phrases to use to own their struggles instead of allowing their struggles to own them. Here is what I wrote…

Dear Self-Doubt,

You don’t even go here!

All you do is get in my way

You stop me from going after things I really want

Honestly, you’re really annoying

I think we need to break up

Dear Lack of Self-Esteem,

Ain’t nobody got time for you!

All you do is get in my way

You make me believe I’m not capable or worthy

Low key, you’re really frustrating

I think it’s time we see other people

Dear Fear,

Bro, you cat-fished me!

All you do is get in my way

You are F, false, E, evidence, A, appearing, R, real

Basically what I’m saying is, you’re fake

You are officially blocked

Dear Haters,

You need to calm down!

Dear Worry,

Thank you, next!

Dear Anxiety,

Girl, bye!

Dear Self,

You’re in control.

You have everything you need.

You are loved. You are worthy. You are enough.

You got this.

 

Sincerely,

Nicky Geis

 

“Always”

I’ll always

Think of you

Miss you

Wish I spent more time with you

Hope I’ll see you again

Love you

Always

Remember you

Hold you in my heart

Smile when you come to mind

Love you

Always

Regret what I did

Regret what I didn’t do

Dream of you

Wish the best for you

Love you

Always

Shed tears because you’re gone

Shed tears when a song reminds me of you

Shed tears because of the good times

Shed tears because you’re gone

Love you

Always

I told you I would always love you

I loved you then

I love you now

I always will

Always

The Day of Silence

Being gay isn’t easy!

I would love to be able to say that things are better for us because people have evolved and they don’t really care anyone. That wouldn’t be true though. Have things gotten better? Yes. Are we there yet? No.

I can’t possibly say that we are there yet because I just had a talk with a parent whose child was in a terrible bullying incident because they are gay. I can’t possibly say we are there yet because in certain places in the US people who are part of the LGBTQ+ are still being beaten, bullied, and tormented. I can’t possibly say we are there yet because there are still people who believe that you can fix gay. That you can beat the gay out of someone or change them with some sort of conversion therapy. I can’t possibly say we are there yet because every place isn’t a safe place for me.

Today is The Day of Silence! On this day many people will choose to be silent to support those who are silenced every day because of who they are. Tens of thousands of students don’t go to school everyday for the fear of being bullied. Kids are kicked out of their homes by parents and guardians who can’t find it in their hearts to accept their own loved ones.

We don’t need to be fixed. We don’t need to be converted. We need to be loved.

Today we are silent, so our community can be heard.

Know Your Worth

“When you learn how much you’re worth, you’ll stop giving people discounts” -Unknown

Daaaaaannnnnnnnnnggggggg!!! This one hit me like a ton of bricks.

There was a time in my life where I definitely allowed others to take my kindness for granted. My kindness was seen as weakness. I allowed people to break promises and play with my heart. I allowed others to take my shine. I allowed others to use me when they needed me and dismiss when they didn’t.

I use the phrase “I allowed” on purpose, because I realized that we teach people how to treat us. Let me say that again. We teach people how to treat us. I recognized that I needed to take ownership of the fact that I didn’t demand to be treated better. If someone was taking advantage of me it was because I was allowing them to. I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t speak up for what I wanted and what I would not stand for. I didn’t love me enough. I needed to get in touch with my own self-worth.

I want you, no, I need you to get in touch with your own self-worth. You need you to get in touch with your own self-worth. You have to connect with you. You have to take the time to recognize what you have already made it through, the struggles you have triumphed over, and the tough times you’ve endured and come out stronger and better from. That is you. The you that made it this far is YOU. Celebrate that. Know it. Believe it.

I truly don’t care what you’ve done up to this point. I don’t care about the mistakes you’ve made. I don’t care about the shoulda coulda wouldas. You could be just like I used to be, allowing people to take you for granted. You could have low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth like I used to have. Start new today, this very moment. See yourself for the truth of who you really are. You need to see yourself as worthy because you are. You need to see yourself as enough because you are. Act like it! And make sure other people act like it too.

No discounts.

Take One Step!

WOW! It’s been a while!

I think my last blog post was over two years ago. To tell you the truth, I lost my confidence. I lost my belief in me and what I could do. I stopped thinking that I had anything valuable to say. I believe writing is an expression of who we are. Writing makes us vulnerable. To put yourself out there, sharing your thoughts and opinions, opens you up to be judged, and I just couldn’t maintain my bravery.

Today, I’m finally feeling brave again.

The thing is, there will be people who read this and won’t think it’s valuable. I will get judged for what I’m writing. Knowing this, I am reminded of a professor I had in college who told all of us in the room who were learning to become teachers, “you won’t get through to every student, but if one is inspired, that’s a win.” So, this is my mindset today, if one person finds one thing in this post valuable, it will be worth writing it.

On Monday’s I ask my “friends” on Facebook powerful questions. Today’s: what is one step you could take today toward your dreams coming true.

When I ask powerful questions I also reflect on them myself. This is my step. Right here, right now. Me writing this is the step I am taking today towards my dream of empowering millions of people to follow their own dreams. I believe in people. I believe in my students more than they believe in themselves. I believe in you. I know that you have everything you need inside of you, to accomplish anything you want. You are capable. You are limitless. You can do it, whatever it is, you can do it.

So if I believe in other people so much, and I do. If I believe in my students with all my heart, which I do. I suppose I should believe in me too. I suppose I should follow my own dreams too. I suppose I should take one step today too.

Do yourself a favor and go after what you want. Go hard and never quit. You don’t have to accomplish your entire dream today. Just take one step.

 

 

Taking My Own Advice

My patience for other people has really been tested over the past couple days.  My advice to others, especially to my students, is that when you’re dealing with people, always consider the source. You have to take into consideration who you are dealing with, to decide whether they are worth your energy or not. Today, I’m sorry to say, I let them take some of my energy.

I like to pride myself on staying calm in the face of deceit and disgust, but I realized today I have a real hard time taking my own advice when it comes to dealing with people who manipulate and lie. I would love to say that it’s always easy for me to let things roll off my shoulders, or to let things go when I know what’s being said or done is complete nonsense, but I don’t always succeed. Honestly today I’m pretty upset by it all, and I don’t like to allow myself to get to this place. The thing is, it’s not just about the past couple days. This particular person has been getting away with his shady moves for at least a decade. I think the thing that upsets me the most is that there are people out there who uphold their values, people who maintain integrity, who treat people the way they should be, people like you. And yet this guy continues to get away with his manipulative ways. So, needless to say, I’m struggling with it.

Sometimes I even catch myself wondering why someone like that gets away with things over and over again, walking around pretty proud of himself, having things continuously go his way. Then here I am, doing things the right way, working hard, treating people like gold. Why doesn’t everything go my way? Why don’t I get away with things? Why don’t I have it easy?

Is anyone with me on this?

And just when those thoughts start to creep in, I realize something. I’m playing the victim card just like he does, and the truth of the matter is, I would never want to be like him. This is where I need to continue to grow. This is where I need to start taking my own advice. My fiance said something to me that really made sense. She told me that he may have some “success” in the short term, but those ways never last. She reminded me that what I am looking for in my life is long term abundance. I want to be respected for who I am and what I’m about. I want to earn what I get. I want to deserve it.

There will always be people who lie, cheat, and steal their way through life. Some things may even go their way. They may be revered by the people around them. But I am telling you this, that will fade. It will not last. One of my mentors told me that time will either promote you or expose you. You will either get promoted because of the essence of who you have always been, or you will be exposed for the phony you are. The truth is always revealed.

The Entitled Generation

Parents! I have a bone to pick with you! You’re creating a generation of entitled kids.

When I began teaching full time about ten years ago, there was definitely a percentage of students I encountered who had an attitude of entitlement. They seemed to walk around believing the world owed them something just because they were living and breathing here. It was a small percentage though, a very small percentage. What I’ve observed over the past few years, is that percentage has increased, and at an alarming rate.

So the question for me was, why?

Parents are a child’s first teacher. What is taught at home has a direct effect on who arrives in classrooms all around the world. Parents, if a child “runs” your home, meaning they get to do whatever they want, they are catered to, they have no consequences for their actions, I then have to deal with a student who believes they should be given a grade instead of earning one. Parents, if a child gets away with talking back at home, I get a student who disrespects their teachers at school. Parents, if a child gets away with giving an excuse every time they do something wrong, I get a student who never takes responsibility or ownership for their actions. This leads to zeros in the grade book and F’s on their report cards. What happens next, however, is worse than the zeros and the F’s.

Now don’t get me wrong, being a parent is one of the toughest jobs on planet earth. There is no perfect handbook on raising the perfect child. It’s more like a trial and error process, or course correction. But here is how I see it, teachers and parents should have the same exact goals, to teach, challenge, and encourage these kids to become the best version of themselves. We should foster creativity, push them out of their comfort zones, and create responsible citizens who are prepared for their next step in the world. So, if this is true, if you agree with even one of those goals, why would your instinct tell you to blame a teacher for a zero in the grade book or an F on a report card? Believe me. a teacher’s job would be a lot more enjoyable if students always turned their work in and always matched production and skill with effort and tenacity. We would LOVE a classroom full of students who consistently performed at this level. I had a classroom like that, and man was that fun. There was rarely a zero in my grade book and hardly, if ever, an F on a report card. But those students earned those grades, they deserved success, and the common denominator, their parents demanded it. Not perfection, because that’s an illusive ideal. They demanded work ethic, responsibility, and integrity. Those parents and I were on the same page. We had each other’s back. We had the same goals. We wanted the same thing for these kids. Isn’t it time we get back to that?

 

Is Hollywood Racist?

I was excited to watch The Oscars. I had my DVR set to record and I couldn’t wait to watch one of the few award shows I actually respect. Then, Chris Rock gave his introduction, and I felt disgusted. If a white person would have made the references he did they would have been shunned immediately. He is the one who sounded like a racist.

Now don’t get me wrong, it seems odd that there were ZERO black actors nominated for an award, but to call Hollywood racist, to me that’s going a little too far. I know Chris Rock is a comedian, and a really respected and proven one at that. His job is to exaggerate and definitely to make people laugh. He did that. Some people did laugh. To me, though, things seemed really uncomfortable in the room, and for sure in my own heart.

The problem doesn’t start with Hollywood. The problem, in my opinion, stems from the systems and cycles in our society. In my experience, kids of color rarely are encouraged to become actors. Their parents aren’t actors. They aren’t in communities with access to a performing arts school or acting lessons. Who these kids have had as mentors, what they’ve seen and experienced in their own lives, and what is portrayed of people like them in our society, doesn’t give them the mindset that acting is even in the realm of possibilities for their lives. In fact, to even utter words of interest in becoming an actor, could sometimes even make them the target of bullying. To change Hollywood, we must change the vicious cycles of violence, poverty, and oppression first.

So what about the current actors of color who have made it, who have shown their skills, who have found a way to overcome obstacles and barriers? Where were they in the nominations? I asked myself this question as I thought about why this was a topic of conversation, and why it seemed at every moment possible Chris Rock brought it up. Now I don’t know how the nominations work. I have no knowledge of that. How many actors are allowed to be nominated in each category? Who are the people who decide on these nominations? What is their background and personal preference? What is the criteria to be considered for nomination? Did the movie have to do really well in the box office? All of these things have to be taken into consideration. We are dealing with human beings and we all have our likes and dislikes of actors and genres of movies. Then you have the movies themselves. What was the storyline of the movie? What was the setting? What I saw were movies set back in history and movies made about very specific situations. Our history is one where people of color stood in the background. They weren’t in power. They didn’t have leadership roles. If the specific situations being portrayed in a movie didn’t involve people of color, they won’t be represented there. So then maybe we need more people making movies that have the space for actors of color to shine in them. Who will step up and make these movies, and make them right. That is going to require someone who cares enough to make them, someone who has the knowledge to make a quality film, someone who wants to portray people of color in a better light. I’m so tired of seeing black movies and tv shows where the only thing portrayed about black people is all the stereotypes that have plagued us throughout history. How can we possibly expect to be respected when the focus is always on what we do wrong? We have internalized our oppression for too long. Make something better.

If the desire is to see more black actors and other actors of color be nominated, begin in schools and communities. Begin in mentor programs and other educational institutions. Break cycles of oppression and lack of opportunity. Encourage our kids to believe in unending possibilities and provide the path to lead them there. Break the cycles in society, and the chains in Hollywood have no choice but to follow.

“Conversion Therapy” written 2.9.2015

Excuse me doc…Yes, come in
Before you get started with all your methods and terminology, I’m only here because I have to be, my parents are mad at me, I guess I confused their reality. You’ll probably tell me this is a game that I’m playing or just a phase that I’ll stay in, but since I’m forced to be here with you today, it will be my thoughts and feelings I’m relaying.
First things first, you will not be converting me. I’ve known since I was 8 that I was gay. I’ll always be with this way. Like my girl Gaga says, baby I was born this way. In fact this is hurting me, mentally physically and emotionally. It’s insulting me. The lies that are told in this room can’t grab hold of me. Save your questions and prescriptions and the notes that you’ve written in this world that you live in, or maybe you’ve created. In fact, I am sickened. But I don’t blame you…you just don’t get it.
In this society we are told that boys wear blue and girls wear pink. Well I wear purple. We are told that girls marry boys. I don’t subscribe to that either. And even though I wore a dress to my prom because I felt like I had to, I really wanted to wear a suit and tie. I guess they would rather see me completely uncomfortable instead of happy. Man, I would have looked fly. But instead I got my hair done and my nails done too. I can’t stand looking at the pictures from that night. Your rules and your standards were darkness that completely covered my light.
And as I speak these words in this room while I’m here, I hear the voice of Leelah Alcorn whispering in my ear. Did you know her? Do you care? See she knew since she was 4, that even though she was born with the parts that physically made her a boy, when a sign read “girls” she knew inside she was meant to walk through that door. All the articles will tell you her death was a suicide. Let me break it down for you and allow you to decide. She died of a broken heart from her parents long before she was hit by that car. She died of rejection by society before her wounds became scars. She died of loneliness, misunderstanding, ignorance, and blindness. She died of hatred when all she needed from this world was some kindness.
So doc, let’s see if me and you can come to an understanding. I know what you learned and what you were told you have to do. I was told the same things too. I live in the same world as you. I just decided to be a human being first, use my own brain and ask why. Why would you teach me hatred when hate is a lie. But me, I choose love. I speak love. You should give it a try.

“Dear Beautiful Girl,” written 12.31.2014

Dear Beautiful Girl,
The first week we really started talking and getting to know each other, you told me, “you make me want to be the woman I always knew I could be.” I’m still not completely sure why you said good bye, but no matter what, I don’t want you to lose that. The truth is, you are amazing.

Dear Beautiful Girl,
Remember when we watched Where The Wild Things Are? And ever since then, whenever you had to leave my presence, I gave you the “wild things roar”. I would start to miss you as soon as you left my embrace. Please don’t go. I’ll eat you up, I love you so. The truth is, you’ll always be my wild thing.

Dear Beautiful Girl,
You made me feel so much in a short amount of time. It felt like you had known me forever. You made me feel important and special. You made me feel loved and adored. You even told me I was your dream girl. No one has ever called me that before. The truth is, I wanted you to be my everything.

Dear Beautiful Girl,
I hated to see you leave, but absolutely loved watching you walk away. I’ve never been so mesmerized by someone’s eyes and smile. Most of the time I just froze because I couldn’t even think of the right words to say to tell you how beautiful I thought you were. The truth is, you are fine as hell.

Dear Beautiful Girl,
I miss you. I love you. I always will.